my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
worst night to have a conscience
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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