Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
