Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
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