i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
