my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
