My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
