Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
