dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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