how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
tequila makes me forget i have legs
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
