I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Randomize
