This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
