My liver just broke up with me...
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
