It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
