I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
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