I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
