there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
