Jerry, you need to find god
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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