My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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