i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
