one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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