24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
