i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
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Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
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My bed is full of blood and feathers
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?