Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
