My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize