So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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