Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Randomize
