I puked a lego.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
