I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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