We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
