I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Is Oprah even human
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
