The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
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She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
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As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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