She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
This is the high leading the old right now
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
