I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
