Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
