I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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