I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
