is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
pray to the hookup gods
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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