Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Randomize
