When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
