just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
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