i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
