I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
