she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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