another moral hangover. fuck.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
