just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
