just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
