I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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