4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
