Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
