I murdered the dance floor call the cops
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
