I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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