why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
operation have a gay friend backfired
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Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
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I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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