Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I can't put those talents on a resume
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
