when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
